Dear Obese Trespassing Altruist,
This year, I have been a very manipulative little girl. I have compulsively lied, and I have never helped my sister with their homework. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of blank checks this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring the onset of menopause. For my daddy, please bring a new Rogaine prescription. For my little sister, please bring a subscription to Guns & Ammo. For my doggy, please bring breath mints. Oh – and for my mail man, please bring some fruit cake.
Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spider Man breakfast cereal, and front row tickets to Eminem – plus backstage passes so I can get airborne Chlamydia! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $10,000,000!
Anyway, I hope you like the meatloaf I left out for you.
Sincerely,
Pichler
PS: Please say hello to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.
PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Ted Bratton? He has been a really homicidal dork all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!
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