This is a tad of an emotional post.
So my dad is selling our house. We've talked about it for a couple of months and it's kind of a tough subject. I've never really moved. I lived in my mom's house as a kid, but my dad's house is my house. I've basically customized that entire basement. Sure my mom's house is there, but after I moved out in 8th grade, she has since redone every room in the house. I didn't really realize how big of an attachment I have to that town home. Once my dad sells the house, I essentially don't have a home anymore. It's one thing to come home to a house that your dad owns, but doesn't live in anymore, but it's another thing to not have a home at all. I still feel like I'm too young for that. I hate sleeping there by myself, and unless Darin comes with me, I stay at my mom's. I told my dad that he could sell it when I was in Georgia, and I was in tears by the end of the whole conversation.
This weekend Darin and I were cleaning out my room. We're taking most of my bedroom furniture to Iowa City and we were cleaning out the storage bins under my bed. I came across a box full of old birthday cards from when I was 7 and then from every year on. There were cards from friends and family. Now, I tend to keep almost every handwritten letter, card, or anything personal that was written and given to me. I've got several boxes that sit on a shelf 364 days out of the year, but I open them once a year or so and look through them, just for laughs or sentimental value. I had forgotten that I had these cards, since they were shoved way under my bed. I was flipping through some birthday cards and there was a card that said "To our daughter.." or something like that, and I opened it up and it said its cute little message and then "Love Mom and Dad." I completely lost it. I think finding those cards, paired with moving things out of my room that will never go back in there, and selling the house that I love just was a bit too much. Sure I'm okay with my parent's divorce and I love the people that they're seeing. My parents are happy! But seeing those cards that I got as a 7 year old me was really bizarre. How was I supposed to know what was to come in the future? I'm tearing up constantly as I write this post.
I don't think I'm ready to grow up this soon. I want to hold on to parts of the past. I want to be a kid again. In a year and a half my world was turned upside down without any kind of warning.
~Until Then
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, July 12
Sunday, April 20
The Subconscious
So it's always amazing to me what my mind can come up with when I'm dreaming. I've yet to have one of those lucid dreams I've heard about, but I enjoy my own dreams none the less. I had a dream last night, that I was luckily able to remember all of the details to. This dream struck me on an emotional level. It's a dream so it's not going to make complete sense now that I'm awake, but at the time it did.
Nuclear Fallout-
To start off my sister has foreseen the future. There is news of a comet heading right towards earth and we are unable to stop it. It will hit when we are all in school (they would hopefully cancel school on the day that the world is supposed to end I would hope, but anyways) as far as my sister can tell there are only four survivors, myself, Justin Bopp, Casey Cottington, and Mark Rustin. I tell these people that we are the only survivors and that we must stick together. I end up finding Mark first and we get into a class room with the other students and wait. I can see people outside the school laying on the grass, some and running around in the field playing catch. The class room is packed and people are starting to cry. It's hot and breathing gets harder. We count down to the moment of impact. From here my mind takes me to a side scene where a teacher is asked to go take care off something and after she does that, she releases a gas in a side room somewhere and commits suicide. Also in the start of the dream, I have visions of other places (such as bunkers, and other governmental places preparing for impact, but they're safe because of the structure of their building.) Back to present time, we're waiting for the moment of impact, I grab Mark's hand and lean in close. The sky goes dark and then all of a sudden a blinding hot white light fills the area and then it's all over. Now normally, most people in a fallout situation would die instantly, but their demise was different in this dream. How people died was not instantaneous, but rather over the course of an hour or so their brain function would slowly drop. They can recognize faces and names to an extent, but beyond that it's very limited. Eventually they die. I did not see anyone actually die in this dream, I don't think I could have handled that. After the explosion, they started serving lunch, but you had to go outside to get it. People were leaving to go eat, but they had to walk outside, so not only did they become contaminated even more, but the food the ate was also contaminated. Others around me and getting out their cell phones but no connection can be made. I want to call my parents, my sister, my boyfriend, my loved ones who aren't with me, but I can't.
From here I wander around school with Justin. People are in corners just sitting, but at this point no one seems affected by the fallout, but they will. I find Ms. Hansen and tell her what I huge impact she has been on my life while trying not to cry. As I wander, I'm trying to find people like myself who weren't contaminated and by now the others are starting to get affected. They move slower, speak slower, and their brain function has dropped immensely. Now I'm desperate to get to people like myself. I run into Borstad. Affected. Sam. Affected. Kyle. Affected. It's awful. I tell them all that I love them, but the can barely recognize who I am. Tears are streaming down my face as I run into the auditorium. For the first time to me, it no longer feels like home. On the stage I see the Justin, Mark, and Casey. I run up to them. I tell them we should go to the booth but the ladder has been destroyed. I look back and then I wake up.
To me it's amazing how real and raw the emotions all felt. It was happening around me and I couldn't stop. The people that I loved and cared about so much, were wasting away around me. Thank god it was only a dream.
~Until Then
Nuclear Fallout-
To start off my sister has foreseen the future. There is news of a comet heading right towards earth and we are unable to stop it. It will hit when we are all in school (they would hopefully cancel school on the day that the world is supposed to end I would hope, but anyways) as far as my sister can tell there are only four survivors, myself, Justin Bopp, Casey Cottington, and Mark Rustin. I tell these people that we are the only survivors and that we must stick together. I end up finding Mark first and we get into a class room with the other students and wait. I can see people outside the school laying on the grass, some and running around in the field playing catch. The class room is packed and people are starting to cry. It's hot and breathing gets harder. We count down to the moment of impact. From here my mind takes me to a side scene where a teacher is asked to go take care off something and after she does that, she releases a gas in a side room somewhere and commits suicide. Also in the start of the dream, I have visions of other places (such as bunkers, and other governmental places preparing for impact, but they're safe because of the structure of their building.) Back to present time, we're waiting for the moment of impact, I grab Mark's hand and lean in close. The sky goes dark and then all of a sudden a blinding hot white light fills the area and then it's all over. Now normally, most people in a fallout situation would die instantly, but their demise was different in this dream. How people died was not instantaneous, but rather over the course of an hour or so their brain function would slowly drop. They can recognize faces and names to an extent, but beyond that it's very limited. Eventually they die. I did not see anyone actually die in this dream, I don't think I could have handled that. After the explosion, they started serving lunch, but you had to go outside to get it. People were leaving to go eat, but they had to walk outside, so not only did they become contaminated even more, but the food the ate was also contaminated. Others around me and getting out their cell phones but no connection can be made. I want to call my parents, my sister, my boyfriend, my loved ones who aren't with me, but I can't.
From here I wander around school with Justin. People are in corners just sitting, but at this point no one seems affected by the fallout, but they will. I find Ms. Hansen and tell her what I huge impact she has been on my life while trying not to cry. As I wander, I'm trying to find people like myself who weren't contaminated and by now the others are starting to get affected. They move slower, speak slower, and their brain function has dropped immensely. Now I'm desperate to get to people like myself. I run into Borstad. Affected. Sam. Affected. Kyle. Affected. It's awful. I tell them all that I love them, but the can barely recognize who I am. Tears are streaming down my face as I run into the auditorium. For the first time to me, it no longer feels like home. On the stage I see the Justin, Mark, and Casey. I run up to them. I tell them we should go to the booth but the ladder has been destroyed. I look back and then I wake up.
To me it's amazing how real and raw the emotions all felt. It was happening around me and I couldn't stop. The people that I loved and cared about so much, were wasting away around me. Thank god it was only a dream.
~Until Then
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